Abstinence Sucks Nasty Balls Day 8

I still haven’t brought myself to fully write about my conversation with Sir last week. Which in turn has kept me a little closed off here. A lot of my emotions over the last week is tied to what is going on us Us.

So here is a bit of a run down. I haven’t had an orgasm in 8 days!!!!

I would say that I am miserable, but it doesn’t quite cut it. While completely realizing that people live in chastity for insane amounts of time. I kind of feel like I am dying. This morning Sir used my mouth. That isn’t a phrase I use very often, because it doesn’t often fit our dynamic, but this morning he did. I’ve been used as a vessel on and off for the last week as punishment, and I almost want to cry.

I don’t cry. Though, I am getting there, and now I am wondering if that is what Sir is waiting on. I don’t know. I just know, that I am very much ready for this to end.

Confessions of a Bad Submssive

Last weekend I had a not so pleasant conversation with Sir; he gave me that look. In essence I was coming clean. I am going to have to have another one of those not-so-pleasant conversations with Sir, and surprise surprise I am not looking forward to it.

His reaction will be cool, calm, and collected, as always when handling something of a more serious nature, so that isn’t bothering me. What is eating away at me, is the fact that I need to talk to him, and what that means. This is me over-analyzing:

Last week it came to my attention that one of my orgasms didn’t completely belong to Sir. It was spurned by someone else, and normally that wouldn’t be a problem. Normally, I’d tell Sir exactly what turned me on – exactly why I needed him so urgently. Last week, I didn’t. Sir let me have my way, and I was wildly appreciative. It was only later that I realized a piece of that release was held back from him, and I had some guilt.

I reached out to him immediately, and all should have been well. Except this one little thing kept nagging me. I liked it. I want more of this outside force, and that is where the wheels really started turning in my head. I need to understand why. Is there something missing between Sir and I? The fact that I posed the question – scares me.

It was sometime yesterday that I realized just how much I am betraying Sir. Not because I have done something truly wrong, but because instead of going to him with my thoughts and feelings immediately I have let them stew. I have analyzed and analyzed some more, which isn’t in itself bad, but as a submissive I should be handing all of these thoughts over to Sir. I am ashamed to say that I still haven’t, and to some extent it has thrown my submission for a loop. I don’t know why something so small has turned in to something bigger.

I will add one more infraction. I have every intention on continuing in my wayward ways until I talk to Sir tomorrow. When I am sure he will look at me like this,

in a way that makes me wet and quake with submissive fear, as he decides just what to do with me.

With a slight hope that he allows me to continue on.

There. I feel a little better already. Writing truly is therapeutic.

Rules of Being Owned

Rule Number One- There are no rules except the ones you make.

In the last day or so I’ve thought about the rules Sir has set for me more than usual. Partly because of the question posted here, and partly because last night I had a more difficult time than usual following a rule. Particularly the one that prevented me from doing this 

I can be a pretty independent woman. I have a pretty decent head on my shoulders, and for the most part I don’t like to need people. (As my relationships got more serious, that was always a problem for me) So when it came to the rules a Dominant would want to impose it was sometimes a struggle.

I once served a Dom that wanted to control everything. When and what I ate. What I wore. When I cleaned. How often I contacted him. It did’t last long. I felt stifled, and micro-managed, and just bad.

Now I serve a Dom that in reality probably has more rules than the aforementioned one. However, his rules make me feel cherished, loved, special, and owned. Sir’s rules remind me that I don’t belong to myself, they send me further into my submission, and that makes me feel hot and whole.

So you won’t find me complaining that I have to exercise four times a week, or that he knows my schedule for the day, or that if there any major changes I must notify him, or that I am not allowed to wear my hair up without permission, or that paying a bill late will have negative consequences, or that I have to take 30 minutes to myself daily, or that I must wear an approved outfit when we attend lifestyle events, or that I don’t dare orgasm without his permission, or that I can only masturbate on Mondays.

The list goes on, but those are rules I strive to obey.

Because I am submissive

Because I am fulfilled

Because I serve

Because I love Him

 

 

Pick a Dom, Any Dom

As a submissive you are putting your life into a Dominant’s hands, and that can be downright trickyscarydangerousandfuckedup. I was lucky enough to be introduced to BDSM by my first real boyfriend Mike. Throughout the first couple of years of high school I was a pretty good girl. Then Mike came along becoming my best friend, my first Dominant, and eventually the man that stood next to me as I married my husband.

Mike turned me out.

My life has never been the same since meeting him. At the time he had a basic knowledge of BDSM. I was green. The more he showed me, the more I fell in love with him and this lifestyle. We were going strong exploring the BDSM as teenagers.  Then tragedy struck in my life, and while he tried to stay strong for me, we couldn’t make it work anymore as a couple.

We were young and dumb. I still didn’t understand that for me, I wasn’t just “playing a role”. That my submissiveness was a part of who I was, and not something that could simply be turned off when a relationship ended. Cue sub-drop of epic proportions. I can’t even begin to explain how dark that time was in my life. Mike and I remained friends, and he thank goodness suggested that maybe we continue the BDSM side of our relationship. In my head that simply softened the blow of not being together anymore. I didn’t realize that I NEEDED to submit. Which is why, when I was truly no longer in love with Mike I thought I could just stop submitting to him as well. We really were dumb. We started seeing other people, and the D/s stopped for us.

Another disaster, but this time, I couldn’t go back to him and kneel. I was lost. I remember getting on Fetlife and looking for a Dominant. I was going through that nasty nasty thing called sub-frenzy. Except I didn’t know it. I went through Dominant after Dominant giving myself emotional scars along the way. Not knowing what I needed, but simply that I wasn’t getting it.

Enter my dashing mentor. He served a similar purpose as to what ( Insert name here.. I really have to start learning some names) talks about in his Bigger Brother post. He helped me. He recognized my frenzy for what it was. He gave me the Dominance that I needed to be strong. He helped me understand my feelings; helped me understand what I wanted and needed from a Dominant; helped me understand that my thoughts were valid. That being submissive didn’t mean that I had to simply do whatever I was told by any Dominant, but that I had to find the right Dominant for me. For a while I really wanted that to be him. Sidebar:

I remember being in a hotel room with him after he’d provided me with my first anal orgasm. My gosh my body remembers that moment so well. He wanted to push me more. So we went to shower, and that night I ended up having my first and last golden shower. What still touches me about him, is that he didn’t allow me to simply say. I don’t like that lets move it to the hard limit side. He made me explore WHY I didn’t like it. I remember the Ah Ha! moment I had when it finally dawned on me that I do not enjoy feeling truly dirty. I don’t enjoy humiliation. It doesn’t make me feel good about submitting, but it sucks all the joy out of it for me.

It was little and/or big things/conversations like that that enabled me to become a stronger submissive. He let me know it wasn’t selfish or un-sub of me to know and ask for what I wanted. Now… truth be told because of that it took me a little longer to find the right Dominant for me. It was hard work, and there were some bumps along the way. A few relationships that still failed, but even those were more meaningful. My connection with those Doms were strong.

This writing all came about because as I was reading last night I came across a post where the writer relayed a conversation she had with a new submissive. In the conversation the newbie said something along the lines of ‘relationships are two way streets, don’t I get to pick him too’. Then this newbie was told NO. That she was simply to present herself, and if a Dom wanted her, then she would need to respond accordingly. That shattered me, and I politely disagreed. We as submissives are not meat to be picked over  as if meat on the the market. We have every right to choose our Dominants just as they choose us.

(Now, in a sort of Fetlife disclaimer if you are the type of subby to want that meat market style of life then so be it) However, not all of us are meant for that. Just life not all of us are meant to be 24/7 slave. So for those newbies, explore yourself first, and/or find a mentor to help your explore before you go off searching for a Dominant.

Never do you want to be in a position where you simply picking a Dom, any Dom, because your life is in the palm of their hand.

With all that said my experience was my own. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter. There should be a comment button somewhere down there… or up there maybe.

 

Bringing in the New Year

If you are a reader that has been with me since the beginning, you will know that I am madly in love with my husband Jackson. In the BDSM/Kink world, he and I probably have what could be considered a tame relationship. When we got married a few months ago I thought for some odd reason that my life would slow down. Well it didn’t. In fact it got crazier. This is how…

I met someone else. Not in the way most people would think reading those words, but it happened nonetheless. Now I have been known to have an attraction to another woman before. However that is always what it was. Friendship, and a physical attraction. With that being said I never considered myself bi-sexual. I simply enjoyed having sex with women in the past, and wasn’t completely against in the present or future.

Then I met her. I knew it was different from my first conversation with her. The vibe was different, the laughs were different, and I found myself dying to just touch her in more than the friendly embraces we adopted every day at lunch.

I started talking to Jackson about my feelings, how much it freaked me out that they were growing so quickly. Imagine my surprise when he suggested that I “see where it goes”. So, as any good subbie would do, I am following my Sir’s suggestion. I am going to see where it goes. Bringing in the New Year with uncharted new territory

The Invisible Ring

As soon as I titled this post, I thought about the hobbit. This is NOT a nerdy post, about middle earth.

A few weeks ago, or a month ago or so, I really don’t remember, and it doesn’t matter. We were watching How I Met Your Mother, Robyn and Barney just got engaged, and suddenly Robyn could no longer be seen by men. Her bright and shiny engagement ring made her invisible. Apparently, it happens, let me tell you why…

 

Yesterday I had a lunch meeting with a bunch of guys, my boss, his boss, a secretary, and a head hunter they were meeting with. Now that I think about it, I am not sure why I was needed. Yet I was there. Toward the end of the lunch I excused myself to head to the ladies room. When I came out the head hunter was there, leaning against the wall.

I looked at him questionably while I placed my compact back in my purse. He finally spoke “hi.”

“hello again” I said before continuing down the hall. He stepped in front of me. Way too close. My eyes narrowed. “What can I do for you Mr. Nguyen?”

“You clench your teeth when you hear someone say something ignorant. Did you know that?”

“Yes” I did actually, a lot of times my jaw would hurt after meetings like this. It is sad, but a woman must know her place at a table of men.

“Your eyes, they narrow slightly when you’re thinking of what to say, like you did a moment ago, like you are now.”

“I answered your question, are you going to answer mine?”

Ignoring my inquiry he said, “Have dinner with me tonight,” with that tone, making it perfectly clear that he wasn’t asking. That tone, that made my body respond in ways out of my control.  I quickly wondered if he had pegged me some way. He smiled, “you’re doing it again.”

“My fiance wouldn’t appreciate that.” I swallowed watching his reaction.

He reached for my left hand, “A fiance that hasn’t appropriately claimed you?” I glanced at my hand and sure enough my ring wasn’t there. The slight differentiation in my skin tone gave it away though. His thumb skimmed across the ring of flesh. ‘Stop touching me, my god this is how things start’ I thought.

Retracting my hand, “I must have left it after cleaning the kitchen this morning. We should get back,” I said excusing myself.

 

So… the entire afternoon I had the fun time of trying to figure out exactly how to tell Jackson of my little encounter. This whole honesty thing is a pain sometimes. Then I realized, I hadn’t been getting hit on. It has been forever. That ring!! The thing made me invisible. I guess it I should see that as a good thing. It spares me the conversation I had to have. The guilt I had being turned on by another man. I am all for appreciating someones looks, and Jackson is free to look all he wants as well. Getting all turned on by some other female is out of the question. It was the tone though. I think I shall discuss that in another post. Along with the question about my being pegged. Yes, another post, until then.

 

A Submissive Reaction

Late last night, or early this morning rather I couldn’t sleep. I perused websites, and finally went to my e-mail where a piece of fiction was waiting for me. I read it almost hungrily, and when I was done a spark was lit and I wanted more.

Throughout the day new pieces found their way into my inbox. Each one bringing a sense of excitement and anticipation with its arrival. Leaving me with more want, and a feel of pure greed at the end.

What struck me about my reading is just how strong of an attraction is felt between a submissive and a Dominant. It is like we are drawn to them in any form, even the fictional ones. I am reading about this faceless, nameless, man. I know that he is commanding. I know that he is patient. I know that he has that voice. With those three things, I am in. I am there, I am with him and his budding sub, watching them evolve. The seduction is intoxicating.

Then in the midst of the story the Dom said two little words that sent me spiraling. “Good girl” It seems that when those two words are spoken by a Dom as a sub, I react. Whether they are said to me or not. I feel grateful, pleased,humbled, and happy that whomever is hearing them has pleased her Sir to the point that he felt inclined to utter those two words. It is such a submissive reaction.