Abstinence Sucks Nasty Balls Day 8

I still haven’t brought myself to fully write about my conversation with Sir last week. Which in turn has kept me a little closed off here. A lot of my emotions over the last week is tied to what is going on us Us.

So here is a bit of a run down. I haven’t had an orgasm in 8 days!!!!

I would say that I am miserable, but it doesn’t quite cut it. While completely realizing that people live in chastity for insane amounts of time. I kind of feel like I am dying. This morning Sir used my mouth. That isn’t a phrase I use very often, because it doesn’t often fit our dynamic, but this morning he did. I’ve been used as a vessel on and off for the last week as punishment, and I almost want to cry.

I don’t cry. Though, I am getting there, and now I am wondering if that is what Sir is waiting on. I don’t know. I just know, that I am very much ready for this to end.

Confessions of a Bad Submssive

Last weekend I had a not so pleasant conversation with Sir; he gave me that look. In essence I was coming clean. I am going to have to have another one of those not-so-pleasant conversations with Sir, and surprise surprise I am not looking forward to it.

His reaction will be cool, calm, and collected, as always when handling something of a more serious nature, so that isn’t bothering me. What is eating away at me, is the fact that I need to talk to him, and what that means. This is me over-analyzing:

Last week it came to my attention that one of my orgasms didn’t completely belong to Sir. It was spurned by someone else, and normally that wouldn’t be a problem. Normally, I’d tell Sir exactly what turned me on – exactly why I needed him so urgently. Last week, I didn’t. Sir let me have my way, and I was wildly appreciative. It was only later that I realized a piece of that release was held back from him, and I had some guilt.

I reached out to him immediately, and all should have been well. Except this one little thing kept nagging me. I liked it. I want more of this outside force, and that is where the wheels really started turning in my head. I need to understand why. Is there something missing between Sir and I? The fact that I posed the question – scares me.

It was sometime yesterday that I realized just how much I am betraying Sir. Not because I have done something truly wrong, but because instead of going to him with my thoughts and feelings immediately I have let them stew. I have analyzed and analyzed some more, which isn’t in itself bad, but as a submissive I should be handing all of these thoughts over to Sir. I am ashamed to say that I still haven’t, and to some extent it has thrown my submission for a loop. I don’t know why something so small has turned in to something bigger.

I will add one more infraction. I have every intention on continuing in my wayward ways until I talk to Sir tomorrow. When I am sure he will look at me like this,

in a way that makes me wet and quake with submissive fear, as he decides just what to do with me.

With a slight hope that he allows me to continue on.

There. I feel a little better already. Writing truly is therapeutic.

Rules of Being Owned

Rule Number One- There are no rules except the ones you make.

In the last day or so I’ve thought about the rules Sir has set for me more than usual. Partly because of the question posted here, and partly because last night I had a more difficult time than usual following a rule. Particularly the one that prevented me from doing this 

I can be a pretty independent woman. I have a pretty decent head on my shoulders, and for the most part I don’t like to need people. (As my relationships got more serious, that was always a problem for me) So when it came to the rules a Dominant would want to impose it was sometimes a struggle.

I once served a Dom that wanted to control everything. When and what I ate. What I wore. When I cleaned. How often I contacted him. It did’t last long. I felt stifled, and micro-managed, and just bad.

Now I serve a Dom that in reality probably has more rules than the aforementioned one. However, his rules make me feel cherished, loved, special, and owned. Sir’s rules remind me that I don’t belong to myself, they send me further into my submission, and that makes me feel hot and whole.

So you won’t find me complaining that I have to exercise four times a week, or that he knows my schedule for the day, or that if there any major changes I must notify him, or that I am not allowed to wear my hair up without permission, or that paying a bill late will have negative consequences, or that I have to take 30 minutes to myself daily, or that I must wear an approved outfit when we attend lifestyle events, or that I don’t dare orgasm without his permission, or that I can only masturbate on Mondays.

The list goes on, but those are rules I strive to obey.

Because I am submissive

Because I am fulfilled

Because I serve

Because I love Him

 

 

Because of Becca…

I came while bent over my bathroom vanity this morning. I will start at the beginning.

One of the many sacrifices I made with the career change was giving up my weekly massage. It was difficult, but my chiropractor tamed the change in three ways. One. Becca is kind of hot. Two. My insurance pays Becca. Three. Becca massages low.

My masseuse Angie was wonderful, and as massages go, my time with Angie could be described as fairly intimate. I would walk in strip, and Angie would do magical things to my body.

Until Becca my experiences with chiropractors were cold. I saw them post car-wreck, they would put me in room, attach the electro-pads to me, tug, push, make me crack, and send me on my way.

Becca was noticeably different from the first time she pulled my panties down to massage my lower back. I didn’t mind the electro-pads, tugs, pushes, and cracking from Becca because each session ended with my feelings as if I’d enjoyed a ‘half-body massage’ instead of an ‘adjustment’.

Now that I am off for the summer, my morning routine has changed, and I get to enjoy watching Jackson move around as he prepares for this day. This morning we were in a heated debate about Labor Day weekend; I am dreading spending it in Hilton Head with his family. No- with his mother. I digress. Walking out of the bathroom I flippantly declared,”thank god I am going to Becca today, she can work off this tension in my neck.” I couldn’t stop my footsteps fast enough as I felt his hand grab and then wrap around a fist-full of my hair. This is when time seems to slow a bit. My pulse quickens. I am suddenly hyper aware, because I feel the change.

I am not often the bratty type I swear. This morning though, I was irritated. So when he asked if I was going to Becca so she could make me feel good, I looked straight ahead as his grip tightened against my scalp, the thrill sending tingles throughout my body, and I said “she is going to make me feel great”. I knew what I was doing, but to be honest, it was fun. What happened after was even more fun.

As if my hair was a leash Jackson pulled, and I stepped backwards towards him my back flush with his chest. My breathing betraying all attempts to hide my arousal as he lowered his head to rest on my shoulder momentarily before trailing his tongue up past my neck to my ear.

“Does Becca make you feel this?” He inquired in a whisper.

“No Sir.” I responded, barely audible. His left hand circled me, caging me in, and then drifted, agonizingly slowly under my blue teddy, past my mound and directly into my heat. He turned us so that we faced the large vanity mirror.

“Look at you. What about now? Does Becca make you feel like this?” He said harshly in my ear. His fingers curved hitting that perfect spot. My head falling back against his chest, as he released my hair to allow his right hand to circle my clit. Losing proper function of my legs, I reached out with both hands against the vanity to support myself.

“No Sir she doesn’t.” I admitted via half moan, closing my  eyes as my hips began to rock forward against his hand, and backwards against his cock.

“Really, open your eyes, look at yourself. You are humping my hand. Can Becca make you feel this?” He asked again as he withdrew his fingers from inside me. I moaned in protest, and he quickly unsheathed his cock before thrusting into me.

It is always so perfect the way he feels with that first thrust, my body quickly adapting. Throaty, raspy, moans, and pleas rip from my throat as he fucks me. Hard. Deliberate. Punishing. Thrusts.

“When you see Becca today, and she has her hands on you, I want you to remember this.” Each phrase punctuated by another breathtaking thrust inside me.

“Yes Sir.” I yelled silently begging for the release that was coming far too quickly.

“Do you want to come for me?”

“Yes please Sir”

Will Becca ever ask you that?”

I grunted in frustration. “No Sir. Please!” I begged as he intensified his assault on my clit.

“Come with me baby.” And beautiful little white spots burst behind my eyes, as he burst inside of me.

So when I was splayed along the table, and Becca pulled my panties down and out of her way, a soft moan escaped my lips, but I didn’t tell Becca it was all her fault that I sort of

looked like this

Kinky Sex Club

as I came while bent over my bathroom vanity this morning.

 

Trouble

I am up writing because I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because a friend just told me he had sex with his ex-gf last month. Then last week he ate her out and fucked her tits. His words not mine.

Logically, none of this should matter to me. I know that. The trouble is, it does. I got physically hot when the surprise wore off from the first revelation, and he told me about last week. Not ooo sexy hot, but what I am guessing is anger hot. I shouldn’t be angry. I am. I shouldn’t feel any of the things I am feeling right now, betrayal, hurt, disgust, frustration… I keep seeing them together, it plays in my head over and over and my god this sucks.

I see him slamming into her in a heated rush. I see her back arched in ecstasy as he does. I hear her screaming his name as he pushes her over the edge with tongue. I see his cum shooting onto her chest and face, and all of it, all of it makes me sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I can feel it. It is trouble.

The worst part of all of this, is I swear our relationship has been off a bit since last month.  Yes. Trouble.

Tuesday are so Awesome

There are a few reasons why Tuesday is high on my list of favorite days of the week. In random order Tuesdays is considered “Two for Tuesday” by many in the Houston area, for me is Touch Yourself Tuesday, and then in this wonderful blogger world we have TMI Tuesday.  I’ve decided to sort of combine them all in this post.

Two for Tuesdays is the weekly funhouse at the R&B radio station here in Houston. They play two songs of an artist back to back, all day long. It is  a lot of fun because you often to get hear music no longer in rotation, or sometimes even some songs that were never in rotation. How many times do you hear a song by artist you haven’t heard from in a long time, which reminds you of another you like? Well on Two for Tuesday you get to hear them both! I love it. Can you tell?

So keeping in line with Two for Tuesday, whilst doing TMI Tuesday, I will be give you two sets of responses. One of which is mine, and the other a male buddy of mine. His answers are bold, mine are italic.  Here we go…

1. Answer Yes or No:
I Regret My First Kiss: No No
I Miss My First Love: No, No, he is still an active part of my life.
I Married My First Love : No, No we could never work long term as more than friends and lovers, funny how that something can be missing.
I Loved Someone That Didn’t Love Me: Yes, Yes, however it was only momentary, once I figured out that he didn’t feel the same I was done.

2. Do you consider yourself monogamous or polyamorous or some other category which you will explain or define for us now?

Monogamous, Monogamous, I could never have an actual relationship outside of my marriage. Can I say that even though I am not married yet? Now my future hubby has once before been pushy with me; encouraging me to have sex with one of my female friends. I think if I expressed the desire to do it again he would be all for it. On the other hand he would probably drop me like piece of molten glass if I dared the same with a male. When it comes to him he can look, but he better not consider touching. I feel like that is the doorway to all things damaging to a relationship.

3. Your partner is in the mood for sex and you are tired – what do you do?
a. Start snoring. There is no way I’m giving it up tonight.
b. Trade. You give me a massage… and we will see…
c. That would never happen!

B, B, I would never start snoring, that is just rude and inconsiderate. I do have times where I don’t want to be touched. When that happens I don my PJ’s that tell him just that. Usually he respects that, however, there have been times where I’ve been wearing my don’t touch me PJ’s and  he ignores them. At that point I sort of realize that he apparently needs me more than I don’t want him, and I let him have his way with me. It isn’t miserable, a quickie that leaves him sated, and all is well.

4. Does your partner mind if you masturbate, in bed, when they are there?

No, No, but I am only allowed to do it on Tuesdays. On those days it is simply a part of foreplay.

5. Describe your typical sexual romp:
a. You are playful and tame
b. You have occasionally introduced a few things like outfits and toys
c. You love trying new things and shocking your partner

B, B, This was a process of elimination. Even as a submissive I would never consider myself tame sexually, so A is out.  C, sounded good, I do love trying new things, but I can’t think of the last time I shocked Jackson. I think doing wiitwd especially on the subbie side, truly shocking is sort of hard to achieve. Maybe I should try though eh???

Bonus: What was your best ever masturbation experience. Why was it the best? Describe

The male friend and I were in debate about this answer. I only consider masturbation, masturbation if you are the one stimulating yourself. He disagreed, he considers a hand job masturbation as well, so here is here answer: “when i hadnt cum in over a month and i was jerked off in bed. i drenched her”  I immediately thought WTF  a month??? WHYYYYY, but I contained myself, that is none of my business. Since I didn’t get that information, I can’t forward it on to you.

My best ever happened to be last week. I believe there is something about someone you can’t have. What is it about the forbidden fruit? Last Tuesday I was expertly teased by my doppelganger Mari. I ended up taking a late lunch due to the long distance fun we had all morning with our words. However, that private time I had in my car was amazing, and totally unforgettable. I don’t know if it was the build up of tension, or the fact that I parked on a lower level than usual, with much more foot traffic, I don’t know why it was the best. It was one hell of an intense orgasm, that made much too big of a mess, and has me smiling just at the memory.

Tumblr 4

 

Masturbation, wrote a post about it, here it goes…

1. My favorite place to masturbate is: in my car. I suppose my bed or the bathtub would be better. However, I am only allowed on Tuesdays and my Dom has usually sent me close to the edge of combustion by noon so that I can’t help but touch my self at lunch.

2. Have you ever masturbated in public? What were the circumstances? Define public? Ah what the hell, yes. A drunk version of myself at a swingers party while the couple I was “with” gave me a break.

3. Do you like mutual masturbation? Why? I didn’t used to, but I quickly found out that it was a problem with me. I wasn’t confident or comfortable enough with my body or the other person. Now despite how rare it happens, I do enjoy it. Something about watching him handle Thor.

4. When was the last time you masturbated? Last Tuesday, and I have every intention on tapping this pussy tomorrow.

5. Have you ever masturbated on camera? Yes, makes those business trips a little more interesting.

6. Do you like to watch people masturbate? People in general– not so much. Jackson absolutely, as mentioned before I love watching him handle himself. The slow strokes, the firm strokes, the look in his eyes while they beam at me.

Bonus: Have you filmed yourself masturbating? Care to share that film via a link? Yes, and not a chance in, well you know.

Brought to you by TMI Tuesday