I Want Another One

The constant shriek of children running around screaming with feigned fear and excitement. The smell of ridiculous amounts of calories. The children catered music in the background. The chatter of adults ignoring it all. All of that and what I am doing? Watching the toddler who isn’t quite old enough or big enough to play with the other kids yet attempt to climb the steps. I am watching his father pick him up and swing him and that smile that instantly splays across his face followed by the infectious laughter of pure joy. I am watching that, and all I can think is “I want another one.” 

Then I hear DUN DUN DUN as if someone had a soundtrack to my thoughts.

For someone that never EVER wanted a child, this urge I get occasionally (with increasing frequency might I add) to reproduce is so unbelievably strong. I know that in a year or two Jackson and I will start trying, but my goodness I want one now.

I try to think of the sleepless nights. The sore nipples (and not the good kind). The time off work. The classes. The frustration. The pain in my bank account. Starting all over again. I try to think of all the reasons we decided to wait. I try to think of months not being able to sleep on my tummy. The doctors appointments. The constantly having to pee in cup. The grumpiness. The crazy cravings. The horrid feeling of being more of a slave to my hormones. The lack of alcohol. The irritating diet I can only imagine Jackson will force on me. The bad showers. The ups and downs in my libido. I try try try to think of everything bad about having another child. The hours of labor. The constant worry if everything will be okay. The pain OH the pain (that I know was there the first time, but don’t quite remember). I ponder on all of these things but still, after all of those thoughts. I want another one.

Let’s Talk in Person

You know how males seem to hate the words “we need to talk”?  It instantly makes them apprehensive.  I get the same feeling when I hear “lets talk in person” or “lets talk later” or “lets talk.” Coming from him it means, ‘something is bothering me, I’ve over analyzed it backwards and forwards, and now I need to talk.”

It isn’t always bad, just always so serious–WHY so SERIOUS? (I couldn’t help myself) So when he sad “lets talk in person” last week the apprehension started for me. What would be bothering? What would he need? Turns out he didn’t need anything.

My sweet man was worrying about me. During the summer and on all majors holiday’s I have a hard time. Our home is more empty than usual. My son goes away for the summer and I miss him like crazy. If I had it my way he would never leave (every mom’s not so secret, secret wish). The courts however insist that he needs to know his father; despite the fact daddy dearest is a perfect specimen of earth scum. In my not so humble opinion.

This leaves with me a 20 minute phone call from my baby Sunday’s, Tuesday’s, and Thursday’s and that is it. I am sure you parents out there can imagine just how awful it is. Being concerned for your child’s welfare. Trusting someone to do and be everything you would in a time of need.

The week before my son leaves is always the hardest for us. He doesn’t want to go. We don’t want him to go. In one word, misery. The few weeks after he returns is always joyful and torture. Trying to fix all the damage his father has done during the previous months is a rigorous task. Getting him back to a normal schedule. Correcting his eating habits, correcting the way he speaks, correcting his behavior. It is exhausting. Nothing good comes from him being there. I take that back.

The sir and I do get to…operate more freely during my son’s absence. That is something good.* So during our in person ( I knew it would be heavy) talk, we have decided to go back to court in attempt to adjust the terms of custody. Four years ago I said I would leave the court system alone. However, Jackson has influenced a change of heart. It really isn’t fair to my son being made to go to a place where he is unhappy. It is not fair to subject him to the type of people we strive to keep him away from. He deserves a father who wants to be a father. Not a man who begrudgingly takes his son during the summer to avoid child support payments during that time. So we are embarking on a  new journey. I am sure it will be another emotional and mental uphill battle. It is worth trying for though.

*Side note/question to any readers. Sex in general is fairly easy to come by while my son is with us. It is more restrictive of course, but doable. Playing on the other hand is extremely difficult and that part of our sex life, suffers big time. So for those of you balancing a relationship, home, work, and family life. How do you manage the time, privacy etc, for a decent scene on the regular?