As a submissive you are putting your life into a Dominant’s hands, and that can be downright trickyscarydangerousandfuckedup. I was lucky enough to be introduced to BDSM by my first real boyfriend Mike. Throughout the first couple of years of high school I was a pretty good girl. Then Mike came along becoming my best friend, my first Dominant, and eventually the man that stood next to me as I married my husband.
Mike turned me out.
My life has never been the same since meeting him. At the time he had a basic knowledge of BDSM. I was green. The more he showed me, the more I fell in love with him and this lifestyle. We were going strong exploring the BDSM as teenagers. Then tragedy struck in my life, and while he tried to stay strong for me, we couldn’t make it work anymore as a couple.
We were young and dumb. I still didn’t understand that for me, I wasn’t just “playing a role”. That my submissiveness was a part of who I was, and not something that could simply be turned off when a relationship ended. Cue sub-drop of epic proportions. I can’t even begin to explain how dark that time was in my life. Mike and I remained friends, and he thank goodness suggested that maybe we continue the BDSM side of our relationship. In my head that simply softened the blow of not being together anymore. I didn’t realize that I NEEDED to submit. Which is why, when I was truly no longer in love with Mike I thought I could just stop submitting to him as well. We really were dumb. We started seeing other people, and the D/s stopped for us.
Another disaster, but this time, I couldn’t go back to him and kneel. I was lost. I remember getting on Fetlife and looking for a Dominant. I was going through that nasty nasty thing called sub-frenzy. Except I didn’t know it. I went through Dominant after Dominant giving myself emotional scars along the way. Not knowing what I needed, but simply that I wasn’t getting it.
Enter my dashing mentor. He served a similar purpose as to what ( Insert name here.. I really have to start learning some names) talks about in his Bigger Brother post. He helped me. He recognized my frenzy for what it was. He gave me the Dominance that I needed to be strong. He helped me understand my feelings; helped me understand what I wanted and needed from a Dominant; helped me understand that my thoughts were valid. That being submissive didn’t mean that I had to simply do whatever I was told by any Dominant, but that I had to find the right Dominant for me. For a while I really wanted that to be him. Sidebar:
I remember being in a hotel room with him after he’d provided me with my first anal orgasm. My gosh my body remembers that moment so well. He wanted to push me more. So we went to shower, and that night I ended up having my first and last golden shower. What still touches me about him, is that he didn’t allow me to simply say. I don’t like that lets move it to the hard limit side. He made me explore WHY I didn’t like it. I remember the Ah Ha! moment I had when it finally dawned on me that I do not enjoy feeling truly dirty. I don’t enjoy humiliation. It doesn’t make me feel good about submitting, but it sucks all the joy out of it for me.
It was little and/or big things/conversations like that that enabled me to become a stronger submissive. He let me know it wasn’t selfish or un-sub of me to know and ask for what I wanted. Now… truth be told because of that it took me a little longer to find the right Dominant for me. It was hard work, and there were some bumps along the way. A few relationships that still failed, but even those were more meaningful. My connection with those Doms were strong.
This writing all came about because as I was reading last night I came across a post where the writer relayed a conversation she had with a new submissive. In the conversation the newbie said something along the lines of ‘relationships are two way streets, don’t I get to pick him too’. Then this newbie was told NO. That she was simply to present herself, and if a Dom wanted her, then she would need to respond accordingly. That shattered me, and I politely disagreed. We as submissives are not meat to be picked over as if meat on the the market. We have every right to choose our Dominants just as they choose us.
(Now, in a sort of Fetlife disclaimer if you are the type of subby to want that meat market style of life then so be it) However, not all of us are meant for that. Just life not all of us are meant to be 24/7 slave. So for those newbies, explore yourself first, and/or find a mentor to help your explore before you go off searching for a Dominant.
Never do you want to be in a position where you simply picking a Dom, any Dom, because your life is in the palm of their hand.
With all that said my experience was my own. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter. There should be a comment button somewhere down there… or up there maybe.