Fear

I have been immobilized by fear. Yesterday, I sat in a professional development training, and I mentioned something about writing. My table-mate looked at me in wonder and said “You want to write?” Well of course!! I’ve always wanted to write, isn’t that what English teachers do– we read and we write. He then proceeds to tell me that I should write. I should write a book or a blog or something. Then it dawned on me I did write. I do have a blog, but I let this beautiful part of myself whither away because of my new love of an occupation. In December of 2014 I wrote this post about my first semester teaching.

As an educator I am terrified of somehow being “outed”. My life as a submissive, as a wife, a lover, a writer has taken a backseat to this job. It is downright disgusting. I sit and I wonder how many professionals actually have to worry about losing their jobs for legal activities outside of the workplace. It isn’t fair, and it isn’t right.

So I have a new vow. To come back to me. One piece at a time, I will rebuild the woman I used to be. Starting here. My readers occasional readers have probably gone, and all I can do is hope to forge new bonds, and new memories with those that decide to grace my pages with their eyes and comments.

I must stop being so afraid.

 

When He Said. . .

“You’re such a filthy cock sucking whore, I love it.”

 

My heart swelled with adoration, lust, and love.

when he says

 

And I said. . . “Yes Sir, I am your filthy cock sucking whore.”

 

There was a time not so long ago I would have taken offense to such a statement. Moments like these lets me know that even when I don’t feel him pushing me. When I don’t feel him taking me places that I may not have wanted to go, he is. He subtly pushes me to become better version of myself for him, and I love it.

 

 

Swapping Roles

Being a Domme is unimaginable to me. Sometimes though I feel like I get a glimpse of what it is like. Today was one of those days.

Somehow he woke up before me. While toweling off from my shower I could smell breakfast cooking. When I made it downstairs he was waiting for me, leaning with his back against the counter.

“What a surprise” I said.

“Figured you could use another good one.”

I walked over to him and kissed him, and just as my body began to crave him his hand made its way to my hair in that way that makes me weak. Tightening his grip yanked my head back making me gasp. His nose trailed up my neck and to my ear before he whispered “Eat first.” It wasn’t a request.

I turned and went to the table. “You’re not joining me?”

“No. I will eat later.” With that tone, my stomach knotted. I ate the hashbrowns, eggs, and bacon quickly. Drank my water, and passed him to place my plate and glass in the dishwasher. He left without saying a word, and sat on the couch.

I followed and straddled him, too turned on to speak, forcing myself to steady my breathing. He signaled with his eyes for me to disrobe. Lifting my long tee above my head, I watched his eyes as he gazed upon me. Watching the wheels turning in his head, deciding what he would do next.

His hands moved slowly across my flesh. From my back, to my front, up my abs, to my breast, before he grabbed each of them. He squeezed hard making me whimper, and suddenly his lips were around my nipples, sucking, nibbling, pulling.

When I finally opened my eyes, to watch him I saw it. This awe. This look of captivation. A moment where I felt like I could ask him to do anything and he would. I thought this, must be what it feels like for him to watch me worship his cock. This must be what it feels like to be a Dominant. Of course I will never know really, and I am content with that. I love that I can give that too him, and I love that every blue moon, I can see what he sees.

 

It Feels So Right

OH,

So sweet,

So deep,

So real,

Oooh weeee,

God damn!

That’s some powerful stuff

Ooh, How you do it

Keep me coming baby, I can’t seem to get enough

What you do, what you say Makes me want to  love you Baby, I don’t even have a choice Oh

and if I did it’d still be you Cause’ you’re the man, among these other boys
Sweet sugar, I surrender

White flag, Oh I won’t even put up a fight

Ooooh cause there ain’t a damn thing wrong about this kind of loving

Ooh and it feels so right

….Some people probably say I’m crazy

But I don’t mind being a fool for you….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is amazing just how many songs out there in the craziest places will speak the words you didn’t know you were searching for.

 

I Got the **** Fucked Out of Me

I am sore. I am more sore than I think I have ever been. I’ve been nursing myself, and I have been tended to all day, but I am still sore. So seeing as how it is difficult to get off of the couch. I’ve been looking out the window all day staring at the amazing view in front of me. The white fluffy clouds hovering over the white capped mountain peeks. Those mountains turning into mossy rolling hills leading to the plethora of homes sprinkled with towering trees. The sound of the neighborhood playing at the park on the corner. The screech of the train going in and out of the station. I love this place. I love this place almost as much as I love being sore. More than that I love being so here. I can honestly say Vancouver will always have a place in my heart. With a week still left in my stay I am already dreading going home.

Jackson has made this place special for me. It all started when we boarded our flight. Scooting over so that he could sit in the seat next me to I was confused as he continued to walk down the aisle. Looking at him he gave me a mischievous grin and I sat back wondering what he had planned… to be continued

 

 

*insert evil laugh here* I learn from the best

Trouble

I am up writing because I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because a friend just told me he had sex with his ex-gf last month. Then last week he ate her out and fucked her tits. His words not mine.

Logically, none of this should matter to me. I know that. The trouble is, it does. I got physically hot when the surprise wore off from the first revelation, and he told me about last week. Not ooo sexy hot, but what I am guessing is anger hot. I shouldn’t be angry. I am. I shouldn’t feel any of the things I am feeling right now, betrayal, hurt, disgust, frustration… I keep seeing them together, it plays in my head over and over and my god this sucks.

I see him slamming into her in a heated rush. I see her back arched in ecstasy as he does. I hear her screaming his name as he pushes her over the edge with tongue. I see his cum shooting onto her chest and face, and all of it, all of it makes me sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I can feel it. It is trouble.

The worst part of all of this, is I swear our relationship has been off a bit since last month.  Yes. Trouble.

Tuesday are so Awesome

There are a few reasons why Tuesday is high on my list of favorite days of the week. In random order Tuesdays is considered “Two for Tuesday” by many in the Houston area, for me is Touch Yourself Tuesday, and then in this wonderful blogger world we have TMI Tuesday.  I’ve decided to sort of combine them all in this post.

Two for Tuesdays is the weekly funhouse at the R&B radio station here in Houston. They play two songs of an artist back to back, all day long. It is  a lot of fun because you often to get hear music no longer in rotation, or sometimes even some songs that were never in rotation. How many times do you hear a song by artist you haven’t heard from in a long time, which reminds you of another you like? Well on Two for Tuesday you get to hear them both! I love it. Can you tell?

So keeping in line with Two for Tuesday, whilst doing TMI Tuesday, I will be give you two sets of responses. One of which is mine, and the other a male buddy of mine. His answers are bold, mine are italic.  Here we go…

1. Answer Yes or No:
I Regret My First Kiss: No No
I Miss My First Love: No, No, he is still an active part of my life.
I Married My First Love : No, No we could never work long term as more than friends and lovers, funny how that something can be missing.
I Loved Someone That Didn’t Love Me: Yes, Yes, however it was only momentary, once I figured out that he didn’t feel the same I was done.

2. Do you consider yourself monogamous or polyamorous or some other category which you will explain or define for us now?

Monogamous, Monogamous, I could never have an actual relationship outside of my marriage. Can I say that even though I am not married yet? Now my future hubby has once before been pushy with me; encouraging me to have sex with one of my female friends. I think if I expressed the desire to do it again he would be all for it. On the other hand he would probably drop me like piece of molten glass if I dared the same with a male. When it comes to him he can look, but he better not consider touching. I feel like that is the doorway to all things damaging to a relationship.

3. Your partner is in the mood for sex and you are tired – what do you do?
a. Start snoring. There is no way I’m giving it up tonight.
b. Trade. You give me a massage… and we will see…
c. That would never happen!

B, B, I would never start snoring, that is just rude and inconsiderate. I do have times where I don’t want to be touched. When that happens I don my PJ’s that tell him just that. Usually he respects that, however, there have been times where I’ve been wearing my don’t touch me PJ’s and  he ignores them. At that point I sort of realize that he apparently needs me more than I don’t want him, and I let him have his way with me. It isn’t miserable, a quickie that leaves him sated, and all is well.

4. Does your partner mind if you masturbate, in bed, when they are there?

No, No, but I am only allowed to do it on Tuesdays. On those days it is simply a part of foreplay.

5. Describe your typical sexual romp:
a. You are playful and tame
b. You have occasionally introduced a few things like outfits and toys
c. You love trying new things and shocking your partner

B, B, This was a process of elimination. Even as a submissive I would never consider myself tame sexually, so A is out.  C, sounded good, I do love trying new things, but I can’t think of the last time I shocked Jackson. I think doing wiitwd especially on the subbie side, truly shocking is sort of hard to achieve. Maybe I should try though eh???

Bonus: What was your best ever masturbation experience. Why was it the best? Describe

The male friend and I were in debate about this answer. I only consider masturbation, masturbation if you are the one stimulating yourself. He disagreed, he considers a hand job masturbation as well, so here is here answer: “when i hadnt cum in over a month and i was jerked off in bed. i drenched her”  I immediately thought WTF  a month??? WHYYYYY, but I contained myself, that is none of my business. Since I didn’t get that information, I can’t forward it on to you.

My best ever happened to be last week. I believe there is something about someone you can’t have. What is it about the forbidden fruit? Last Tuesday I was expertly teased by my doppelganger Mari. I ended up taking a late lunch due to the long distance fun we had all morning with our words. However, that private time I had in my car was amazing, and totally unforgettable. I don’t know if it was the build up of tension, or the fact that I parked on a lower level than usual, with much more foot traffic, I don’t know why it was the best. It was one hell of an intense orgasm, that made much too big of a mess, and has me smiling just at the memory.

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